A human female has miraculously given birth to a human baby and everyone seems very pleased, if by everyone you mean the mythical, classless, fawningly deferential Great British Public conjured up the TV news.
This year, millions of people will modestly reproduce with little fanfare outside their immediate social circle. But when a rich lady who married into planet Earth’s foremost line of inbred genetic mutants does the same, the media seizes it on as a cause for jubilation. Kate Mountbatten-Windsor has strenuously plopped another organism out of herself like a fleshy Thunderbird 2 messily depositing Thunderbird 4, and that deserves respect. So does every other act of reproduction in the world.
Having gone through the most obsessed-over gestation in human history, George Alexander Louis Mountbatten-Windsor can get on with gurgling and defecating obliviously while the rest of us are subjected to constant updates on his progress. Thankfully, though, there has been a principled whimper in amongst the general sycophantic uproar, as left-wing writers take the media to task for its nauseating deference, eye-wateringly pro-Royal bias and general un-journalistic conduct.
The reliably excellent Laurie Penny meditates on the grim contrast between the royal birth and how we portray teenage single mothers with her standard panache. The Mirror’s Brian Reade says what we can assume a fair slice of the population is thinking about the insane levels of Baby Cambridge coverage. And in a simple, humble press release, Green Party leader Natalie Bennett congratulates every new parent in Britain whose offspring will have to share their birthday with their eventual unelected head of state.
The Bemolution wishes the Royal Sprog a nice life. We’d even go so far as to say we were pleased it was a boy – in an era when the pressures on young women to be slim and flawlessly attractive at all times are already unbearable, the life of a prospective Princess of Cambridge would’ve been a paparazzi-hounded nightmare. Since it was a he not a she, its existence will be moderately easier.
But for a more politically sound end, we’ll finish by quoting Keir Hardie’s speech to parliament marking the birth of Prince Edward, heir to the throne, in 1894: ‘from his childhood onwards this boy will be surrounded by sycophants and flatterers and be taught to believe himself as of a superior creation. A line will be drawn between him and the people whom he is to be called upon some day to reign over … and the end of it all will be that the country will be called upon to pay the bill’.